We did another iui. It didn't work. We have used up all the money we set aside in our flexible health spending account for 2008. RE suggests ivf. My car died. Really, really dead. Hmmm..replace car or do ivf? About the same, financially. And we can't really afford either. Unfortunately, I need a car to get to work.
What else? I broke my leg. Jack's car needs expensive repairs. We had to replace a crucial and expensive appliance. We now only spend money on gas or groceries. Need I mention the price of gas and groceries?
Oh, wait. We also spend money on baby shower gifts. I have been to three baby showers this month.
We have an appointment with a new RE. I am looking forward to hearing a new perspective on our inability to reproduce. But I don't know that we'll be able to pay for any treatments in the near future.
Jack tentatively mentioned to his parents that we are looking at ivf. Hoping, of course, that they might offer a little assistance. Instead, I got a 10 minute soliloquy from well-meaning but crazy-making mother-in-law on the futility of throwing away a fortune on fertility treatments when the only way to get pregnant is to stop trying.
I feel crushed and helpless.
Surely there are some good things in my life? I love my husband. I love Craig Ferguson. I love M&Ms. Watching Craig Ferguson with Jack while eating M&Ms makes my life worth living at the moment. The other 23 hours a day don't even bear thinking about.
Showing posts with label real life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label real life. Show all posts
Friday, May 30, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
I've never liked February
Yesterday was February 1. It was also cd 1. Coincidence? Probably, but since I was in high school it has always seemed like the bad things that happen are more likely to happen in February. My best friend and I always breathed a sigh of relief when it was over, and fervently thanked our lucky stars that it's the shortest month of the year.
I am disappointed. That's putting it mildly. I feel a slight bit of rising panic that NOTHING WE TRY IS WORKING and THIS MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR US and I MAY NEVER BE PREGNANT but I'm trying to counter that with logic and caffeine and french fries.
What I don't feel is either the gut-wrenching physical pain of my last period or the crushing emotional pain of the end of my last medicated cycle. I feel mostly okay (except for the panic). I don't know what makes the difference, and I wish I did. Maybe I kept my hopes and expectations lower this time? Maybe I'm getting better at not letting infertility be my whole life? I don't know. I have been working on that.
What I do know is that for Valentine's day Jack and I are going to the same fancy-schmancy expensive restaurant we had such a wonderful time at last year. We can't really afford it this year, but that was the deal we made. If we're not pregnant this time, we're going back. Which means I would rather we were planning to spend Valentine's day on the sofa in our pajamas reading baby books, but there you go. We are going to dress up and go out. And we're going to have a wonderful time.
I am disappointed. That's putting it mildly. I feel a slight bit of rising panic that NOTHING WE TRY IS WORKING and THIS MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR US and I MAY NEVER BE PREGNANT but I'm trying to counter that with logic and caffeine and french fries.
What I don't feel is either the gut-wrenching physical pain of my last period or the crushing emotional pain of the end of my last medicated cycle. I feel mostly okay (except for the panic). I don't know what makes the difference, and I wish I did. Maybe I kept my hopes and expectations lower this time? Maybe I'm getting better at not letting infertility be my whole life? I don't know. I have been working on that.
What I do know is that for Valentine's day Jack and I are going to the same fancy-schmancy expensive restaurant we had such a wonderful time at last year. We can't really afford it this year, but that was the deal we made. If we're not pregnant this time, we're going back. Which means I would rather we were planning to spend Valentine's day on the sofa in our pajamas reading baby books, but there you go. We are going to dress up and go out. And we're going to have a wonderful time.
Friday, December 22, 2006
happy holidays to you
I am enjoying an entire week off work. I feel a bit guilty about all the things I am not even attempting this year (sending Christmas cards, baking), but I am trying to forget about them and enjoy the things I have left to do. Like wrapping, which I actually love but have not yet done. Al has considerably less time off than I do, so we will be smashing all our holiday travels into three days.
Here are the things (other than wrapping gifts, unwrapping gifts, driving, and eating) that I will do on my break:
1. Continue to obsess over whether or not I may have actually ovulated this cycle after all. Evidence in favor of ovulation: bbt spike which began Saturday (cd 20!), extremely sore breasts. Evidence which might confound evidence in favor of ovulation: have had miserable cold/low-grade fever since Sunday, most of my body is rather sore.
2. Brave the mall for 3 last minute gifts. I finished most of my shopping quite early this year, with much of it done online, and planned to be done long before now, but see item 1 above re. debilitating cold.
3. Watch waaaaay too much daytime television.
4. Hmm... That's about it. Other than wishing all of you the merriest and happiest of holidays, and wishing for all of us our hearts' desires in 2007. Thank you, all of you, for being there, just for existing and sharing this wacky, painful infertility journey with me. For putting your experiences out into the world for me to find and commiserate with, and for those of you, especially, who have come here to commiserate with me. I think of all of you every day. I pray for you. I hope for you. For all of us.
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Just a small housekeeping note: I finally converted to the new blogger and I seem to have lost my blog roll. I'll try to sort that out when (if?) I make it home from the mall.
Here are the things (other than wrapping gifts, unwrapping gifts, driving, and eating) that I will do on my break:
1. Continue to obsess over whether or not I may have actually ovulated this cycle after all. Evidence in favor of ovulation: bbt spike which began Saturday (cd 20!), extremely sore breasts. Evidence which might confound evidence in favor of ovulation: have had miserable cold/low-grade fever since Sunday, most of my body is rather sore.
2. Brave the mall for 3 last minute gifts. I finished most of my shopping quite early this year, with much of it done online, and planned to be done long before now, but see item 1 above re. debilitating cold.
3. Watch waaaaay too much daytime television.
4. Hmm... That's about it. Other than wishing all of you the merriest and happiest of holidays, and wishing for all of us our hearts' desires in 2007. Thank you, all of you, for being there, just for existing and sharing this wacky, painful infertility journey with me. For putting your experiences out into the world for me to find and commiserate with, and for those of you, especially, who have come here to commiserate with me. I think of all of you every day. I pray for you. I hope for you. For all of us.
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Just a small housekeeping note: I finally converted to the new blogger and I seem to have lost my blog roll. I'll try to sort that out when (if?) I make it home from the mall.
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