trigger

On Friday morning I was back in the stirrups again. It was a different nurse this time, and she was not nearly as informative as First Nurse. She asked me if I thought my follicles were growing, and I told her it felt like it. Different Nurse didn't say much at all while she was scanning me, nor did she spend nearly as much time doing so. She didn't measure my ovaries, or spend time counting follicles, she just measured the biggest ones. She told me that the doctor would probably recommend that I take a low-dose of hcg to help mature the larger follicles, but not enough to trigger (I have never heard of that, have you?), and that I would probably need to come back on Saturday morning for another scan. Fine by me, the more scans the better.

So imagine my surprise when Different Nurse called later in the morning to say that instead I was to go ahead with one more fsh injection (half of what I have been injecting) and trigger on Saturday, without coming back for another scan. I was in shock. I was so nervous I could have vomited. Right there in the hall at work (my cell phone only gets reception in certain random places at work).

I immediately tracked down the one person at work who knows what I am doing, who has been through it all herself. She gave me a little pep talk about how everything would be okay, and I had to decide to trust my doctor, and suggested I call and ask how many follicles they thought would be mature enough to respond to the trigger. (This is my big fear, that I will wind up with HOM.) So, on my lunch break I called from my car. I thought I would have to leave a message, but miraculously it was Different Nurse who answered the phone. I told her I was nervous, asked if I shouldn't come in for just one more scan, and asked about the number of mature follicles. She was kind and reassuring, said that there was no need to come in for another scan "believe me, if the doctor thought it was necessary, he would have you come in" and said that while it is impossible to guarantee how many follicles would be mature enough to release an egg in response to the trigger the prediction is three.

Three. I would have preferred one or two. But three does not terrify me. After all, I have been regularly releasing one egg for some time now, with nothing to show for it. So I don't necessarily fear that three eggs = triplets. I know it's just as likely (more likely, even) to = nothing at all. What scares the hell out of me is the thought of 10 eggs, or more. It really makes me nervous that they did not deem it necessary for me to come in for a final scan this morning after my last fsh injection last night.

But I have decided to trust. I spent a long time choosing this RE. I have to believe that I chose correctly, and that he knows a lot more about this than I do.

Wish me luck. We are going away for the weekend (or what's left of it), in the hopes that the trip will be full of distractions and I won't spend the whole time freaking out about whether I should have triggered, and whether we should have had sex, and whether we are about to become parents to octuplets.

nervous

Thanks for all the well wishes! Lots and lots of follicles (over 30, total), all about the same (moderate to large) size, none mature enough to trigger. Very thick uterine lining with the 3 striations and everything. One more dose down, then going back tomorrow morning to see what's changed. Going to bed now. Hope I can sleep!

scan tomorrow

I can't wait for tomorrow's scan to see what's going on with my follicles. I know something is happening, because I pretty much went straight from the spotty end of my period into copious amounts of eggwhite.

I am a little nervous about exactly what is happening. I've never done this before, so I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid I will have too many mature (or maturing at the same rate) follicles, and will have to cancel this cycle to avoid multiples. I'm afraid that I'm not having a good response and will have to increase my dose or keep going for a long time, because these drugs are expensive. But, emotionally, the two fears seem to cancel each other out. I can't get too worked up about either one because the specter of the opposite worry raises its head.

I wish today were tomorrow, already. Five days seems like an awfully long time to go before peeking in at the ovaries.

a quick update

Still alive, still here, still not pregnant. Bad blogger, bad!

Okay, now to get on with it. I haven't written much lately because, honestly, not much has been happening on the ol' infertility front. Here is a quick (for some reason, and without much inherent logic, numbered) update:

1. Final clomid cycle finally ground to a halt with a weird start-stop-start-stop period after NO ovulation. Fine. We knew we were done with clomid anyway. But is it weird (is it bad?) that I didn't ovulate at all this time around? That's not happened before, even though I mostly got delayed ovulations I did always ovulate previously.

2. Per Dr. RE's instructions, I am taking a cycle "off" between failed final clomid cycle and moving on to injectables. This has been a rather long cycle off. I probably could have gone in and asked for a progesterone shot to bring on my period, but I was being patient. No rush to those shots.

3. Anyway, about a week and a half ago I had a few days of very fertile eggwhite cervical fluid. In my rather limited experience, this has almost always indicated ovulation, so of course that was the cue for lots of sex. I wondered if I actually did ovulate, but I am not temping at all this cycle (since I didn't ovulate last time on clomid, I really didn't expect to ovulate this one off of it) so I don't really know. But I estimate that if I did ovulate it was probably around cd 26, so delayed again.

4. Then about a week after the eggwhite, my breasts became really tender. This is another indication to me that ovulation did take place. They are still quite tender. Today is day 37, so maybe 11 dpo? Not really sure.

5. Today I had my teeth cleaned. And my gums bled horribly. They do not normally bleed at all. It was the most painful visit to the dentist I have ever had. So of course, I immediately thought, maybe I am pregnant? I have no idea how long it takes bleeding gums to kick in as a pregnancy symptom, but I am assuming it is a good bit later than (maybe) 11 dpo. So more likely it was the new hygienist, or that my teeth and gums are falling apart just like my reproductive system.

6. There you have it. I hold out no realistic expectation that I will wind up pregnant this month. I imagine that in a few days I will be going in for day 3 bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound, swallowing hard when I charge the follistim to my credit card, and poking tiny needle sized holes into my not so tiny stomach. Either way, things are about to get a lot more interesting around here (well, to me anyway).

can you hear the pathetic coughing from all the way over there where you are?

I am ill! Most pathetically, piteously sick. This has been dragging on for a week now, though the symptoms have shifted slightly. I was sure it began as my usual pollen allergies (sneezing, mostly) but it has progressed to sneezing, coughing, fever, and deepest-darkest fatigue.

One advantage of this illness is that I simply don't have the energy to contemplate whether or not this cycle will work. Oh, who am I kidding, I have contemplated it a little. My progesterone level 7dpo was 14. That is good news. It's just that I don't have the energy to get worked up about it. I am no longer giddy with hope, or despair, or anything other than fever.

Today is 11dpo. I will test on Wednesday if my period doesn't arrive by then.

I hope that all of you are well (unlike me).

the rest of the story

So...

When I called to schedule my postcoital test, the ever-so-helpful receptionist gave me a 10:30 appt and instructed me to have sex from 2 to 6 hours before the appt or, if that's any trouble, "anytime tonight will be fine". I'm sure it was the same one from last time, her instructions are frustratingly simple and vague.

That night Al and I agonised a bit about what time we should have the sex. I was (illogically) concerned that if we waited until early the next morning (the 2 to 6 hour window) we might miss the ovulation. Al reasoned that if I was none too invested in the post coital test results then we should time the sex for our best chance at getting pregnant. I agreed and we decided on 11:00pm (within 12 hours of the test the next day, I didn't want to do it any earlier than that). Which turned out to be fine. The next morning I saw the nurse practitioner for the test. Not only were the test results fine (good cervical mucus, good sperm) but she also did another sonogram, so I got to see that my uterus had a "nice, thick" lining, my right ovary (the one I suspected did not exist) had a large follicle ("this is where you're going to ovulate") and my left ovary had a "smaller follicle". I was blissfully happy to hear and see all of this. (I am now kicking myself for not asking if my ovaries had returned to their designated positions-although it seems that they had, as she did not have to do any poking around to find them-or if she thought I would ovulate from both ovaries. I could see for myself that the follicle on the left was much smaller than the one on the right, so it seems unlikely, but I wish I had asked.) She told me to have sex again that night, which we did, although I had a meeting after work that I absolutely could not get out of and it was almost 11:00pm again before we had the chance. Just for good measure we had sex the next night also. It took three days from the positive opk (two days from seeing my ovaries) for my temp to jump up. I have to admit I was getting worried that it was all a false alarm. I guess we will know for sure next Wednesday when I go back to have my progesterone levels measured.

I am incredibly hopeful. Giddy, almost, with hope. I had an early-enough (I hope) ovulation, we know there is no problem with Al's sperm, now we know (as much as the results of a postcoital test are at all valid) that I have no problems with cervical mucus (I am one of the lucky ones who have increased mucus with clomid) and that there is no problem with the interaction between my mucus and his sperm, we saw that my uterine lining was nice and thick, and that I had a follicle about to pop. So it seems that everything is in our favor. I know that the crash is going to be really hard if this doesn't work. Al says that it's all good, anyway, that even if this time doesn't work it will be because of some fluke, and the next time will. I wish I had that kind of sustainable optimism.

If this doesn't work, I think I may ask for an hsg. We haven't discussed it, yet, but if everything else looks fine and this still doesn't work, then I think I will want to take a look at my tubes.

time for a massive update

[quick update for those not interested in the long saga below: still not pregnant, now on 150 mg clomid, cd 20]

I don't know why I haven't posted in so long, honestly. It certainly is not from lack of things to talk about.

So, when last I wrote it was Feb. 26, cd 14 of my third clomid cycle, and the stakes had been upped to 100 mg days 2-6. I was peeing on opk sticks (although, not at work) and they were all negative.

On Feb. 28 I had a follow-up visit with Dr. RE. For the first time that day I broke down and peed on a stick at work. Negative. He looked at my chart, and suggested that since I just happened to be there mid-cycle we might as well have a look at my ovaries and see what they were up to. "A sonogram" said he, and here I am incredibly grateful to all of you IF bloggers because if it had not been for your detailed accounts I cannot imagine what I would have thought when I saw the probe. As it was, I was under tremendous stress about the fact that I would have to put my feet in the stirrups, and as this was an (unexpected) afternoon wanding, my feet had spent the entire day in my sexy, synthetic knee-high boots and I knew they would be smelly. I even contemplated leaving the boots on, but that seemed a bit provocative. At least I shaved my legs the night before. So there I lay, nak-d from the waist down, under a thin paper sheet, with smelly feet in the air, when I finally was inducted for all time into the hard core infertility club by the d1ldo-cam. "There's your uterus," said the sonographer, I can't remember her name, and then "let's take a look at your ovaries" followed by a long ominous silence and lots of very uncomfortable (almost painful, but not quite) internal poking and prodding. I was beginning to panic, on the edge of tears as she searched and searched. It seemed to take forever. All I could think was "I don't have any ovaries!!! No wonder I don't ovulate! Now it is all over, I will never get pregnant!" It probably seems like I was overreacting, but really it took forever. And I had already developed a theory that I might not have a right ovary since whenever I feel any potentially-ovarian twinges, they are always on the left. So it wasn't a huge jump for me to get from "I might only have one ovary" to "I HAVE NO OVARIES!". Finally she found one "on the midline" and one hiding behind my uterus. By this point Dr. RE had made his way into the room and proclaimed matter-of-factly that my ovaries were "not doing anything" and that this cycle was a bust. He wrote me a prescription for 150 mg of clomid and told me a nurse would come and give me a progesterone shot to bring on my period. "Is there any point in waiting to see if I might have a delayed ovulation this cycle?" I asked meekly, to which he responded "I am tired of waiting. I want you to get pregnant NOW." He actually said this kindly, though it wasn't the sort of response I was looking for, but I was so stunned by my (temporary) lack of ovaries, and so worried about the fact that they were not where they belonged, that I was in no state to belabor the point. The sonographer barely had time to withdraw the probe, when in came the nurse. "Don't bother putting your pants on" she said, "just hop over here and lean against the table." Now I did not even have the cover of the paper sheet. I was nak-d from the waist down, with bare, smelly feet, misplaced ovaries, and as I leaned across the examining table for my pio shot I had the presence of mind to worry about all the cellulite on display. The nurse was very sweet, told me she had a painless method*, and actually the shot did not hurt at all, and only burned a tiny bit when it was done.

The morning after the injection my temp shot up. I was a bit of a wreck, emotionally. Although I tried to be happy that I wouldn't have to wait another 3 weeks to start a new cycle, I felt like I would have ovulated eventually, and not having those days of hope (between ovulation and period) but just going straight to a new cycle was hard. I understood logically that it made sense. We spent most of my appointment (before the sonogram) talking about the fact that while delayed ovulations could end up as successful pregnancies, for some reason they are statistically less likely to. This was why my clomid dose was upped from 50 to 100 in the first place, to try to bring on an earlier ovulation. But knowing that logically did not make me feel any better. Also, I was worried about my runaway ovaries. I did ask the sonographer if it meant anything that they were not where they belonged and she assured me that it did not. Still, I can't believe it was a good thing. Don't, by the way, google anything about ovaries on the mainline or behind the uterus because you get a lot of stuff about ovarian cancer and menopause. Not good for morale.

Six days after the injection I got my period. It was heavy, but not painful (which was a relief because in the past I have been given oral progesterone by my ob/gyn to bring on a period and I had the most horrible cramps so that I had to call and beg for prescription painkillers). So, March 6 was cd 1. Same as before I took clomid days 2-6, but 150 mg this time. I actually gave up my silly refusal to use opks at work and discovered it was not that big of a deal. Not fun, or anything, and the worst part was waiting until it had been 4 hours since I last peed, but it was no problem sneaking off for a five minute bathroom break. I did invest in the digital kind (thanks for the recommendation, Thalia), because with these you get a definitive no (an empty circle) or yes (a smiley face) and there is no temptation to linger in the stall for half an hour holding a stick at different angles to see if the darkness of the result line changes at all. I think that made them easier to use at work. I was beginning to despair of ever getting a positive, though. I really did wonder how long I could wait to ovulate and still not have a late ovulation. Everyday I prayed in the bathroom stall, please, please, let it be today. Finally, on cd 15, it was. I was so ridiculously excited. I was jumping up and down in the tiny little stall, clutching the smiley face and grinning like a maniac. I had only ovulated three times in my life (so far as I know), twice on clomid, and I had never seen a positive opk before (and of course I have never seen a positive hpt). This is the first thing I have ever peed on which gave me the hoped for response. I tried to save it for Al to see, but the smile had gone away before I got home. Anyway, I was so excited that I didn't even mind calling the RE's office immediately to schedule a post coital test.

This is getting ridiculously long. I am going to go ahead and post it and do another for the rest of the story.

* For any of you who may be interested, her technique was as follows:
1. apply alcohol but give it plenty of time to dry so it doesn't sting when the needle pierces the skin
2. she had me lean on the table and my right leg so that I was putting absolutely no weight at all on the left leg where she gave me the injection (upper left ass/hip area)
3. after the injection she put on a band-aid and then massaged the injection site so the pio would disperse

back in the saddle again

Today is cd 7. I took my last dose of clomid last night. I want this to work. I want 100 mg to be the magic dose. I wish there was something else I could do now, besides waiting, something to actively make this cycle work. Maybe I'll try my "yoga for fertility" dvd again. I bought it a year or so ago, and it obviously didn't help me ovulate, but maybe it's worth another try. Last cycle I was also trying to eat much more healthfully. I cut out caffeine and artificial sweeteners, cut way back on sweets, and we switched to organic dairy (I don't eat meat, but I have tried to convince A. to switch to organic when he eats it). I don't know if it makes a difference. I didn't feel any different, other than slightly more virtuous. Unfortunately, when my period showed up I self-medicated my despair with tons of chocolate and diet coke, and now I am finding those cravings hard to shake again.

I have some more thoughts on hope, but at the moment I am late for work. Maybe tomorrow.

thank you!!! (and cycle day 1)

Wow...I am truly touched by the outpouring of sympathy-and more importantly, empathy-that my last post generated. I am so incredibly grateful for the existence of this online infertility community. No matter how awful I feel, I never feel alone. So, thank you.

Today is cycle day 1. My temp never rose after last Thursday and the ill-fated pregnancy test. Instead, it continued its slow decline. I had the faintest bit of spotting on Saturday morning, but then it stopped. I must admit, I had not abandoned hope. Sunday morning on the way into church I stopped by the bathroom because I just had to check again for any more spotting. There it was, of course, bright red. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by cramps. My heart finally accepted what my head had known for days-there was no more reason to hope. I spent the entire worship service blinking back tears. To keep from sobbing I silently repeated "100 mg of clomid next time" over and over and tried to convince myself that would be the answer. We made it into the car before I actually broke down and let the tears fall.

That afternoon I was so sad. I went straight to bed and did not get out until Monday morning. I have been depressed and angry about my infertility before. I have cried before over how much I want a child and how unfair life can be. But I don't think I have ever been so saddened by the end of a specific cycle. I think it was because I have never allowed myself to have so much hope for a specific cycle. Usually, I cling to a safe, generic hope that eventually I will have a child of my own (and I include adoption in that scenario, an adopted child would be a child of my own).

Anyway, just to keep things confusing, although I spent all Sunday afternoon in bed crying from emotional and physical pain (the cramps were awful!), there was no more blood. Hope (would you believe it? I scarcely can) crept back in. Monday morning brought more of the same - bbt just barely hovering above the coverline, wretchedly painful cramps, a tiny bit of spotting. At work I was too busy to give it much thought. Around lunch time I ran into the one and only soul at work who knows about my reproductive drama. She asked how I was doing, and I told her in detail. She gave me the rather good advice that I ought to call my doctor. After our talk I was headed back to my office to do just that when I popped into the bathroom for yet another spot check (ha ha) and the flood of blood had finally arrived. I waited until today to call Dr. RE's office, and instead of asking "what the hell is going on with my body?" I merely confirmed that the recent dramatics did not alter the plan for this cycle: 100 mg clomid days 2-6, opk beginning day 10, post-coital test. Apparently the only thing that has been altered is my mental state. The plan is still on. (By the way, my nurse insisted that opk's will work for people with pcos and that they rarely see false positives with their pcos patients. So, that's good, I guess.)

Since yesterday started with spotting, no matter how bloody it got by the afternoon it does not count as day 1. Thus, today is day 1 and I will begin the new and improved clomid dosing on Valentine's day. Wish me luck. And thank you again. Really, truly.

feeling stupid

Yesterday I fell for that old slut, hope, but when I woke up this morning she was gone.

So, the day before yesterday I was feeling all crampy. Even though there was no sign of spotting when I woke up yesterday, I managed to hold hope mostly at bay. But then, all day long I had to pee. I had to pee so many times at work yesterday that I started visiting different bathrooms, just for variety. And my boobs were still sore. And I was just so tired. Hope perched on my desk and whispered to me all afternoon about my due date, and an upcoming tag sale of baby items to benefit a charity, and how excited Al would be when I told him.

So, this morning. 11 dpo. My bbt was a little lower, but still well above the cover line. I lay in bed arguing with myself about the futility of peeing on a stick. I thought about all the peeing yesterday. I thought about how I did not have to get up once to pee during the night last night. I thought about how sore my breasts have been since 3dpo. I thought about how they weren't very sore at all this morning. I groped myself for awhile, searching in vain for any tenderness, but no, it was gone. I thought about how symptoms can come and go. Sanity and frugality lost, hope won, and I got up to pee on a stick.

It was negative, of course. Completely, unambiguously. I even held it to bright lights and tried to find that faint hint of a line that is only visible by the light of a thousand suns. No, no, no.

I feel foolish. But then, hope pointed out that it might be a little early to test. It's not that early, I told her, and all my symptoms have vanished. She's still whispering in my ear. And I can't quite block her out. So I am feeling (1) not pregnant, (2) hopeful that I might be anyway, and (3) stupid for clinging to that hope.

crampy

Today is 9 dpo. My temp is still high, but I am having some fairly significant cramps. I know that implantation can feel like impending menstruation (theoretically, I know this, not from experience) but I dare not get my hopes up that high. Especially considering how late the ovulation was.

So, assuming that tomorrow may very well be cd 1, do I feel (1) miserable that I am not pregnant + in all kinds of pain and to top it off worried that I now have a short luteal phase, or (2) bright-sideishly cheery that I won't feel like (1) on Valentine's day, not to mention I will be able to drink when we go out next Wednesday.

I am actively trying to convince myself it will be option 2.

And of course I am secretly hoping that I will feel don't-even-think-it-or-you'll-jinx-it-option (3) ecstatic that the cramps really were implantation.

we have lift off

It looks like I did ovulate on day 31 or 32 (big temp spike on day 33). Also, my breasts are sore, sore, sore, which makes the ovulation feel real to me (because after waiting soooo long it's hard to put too much faith in four high bbts (so far).

The fact that I ovulated is good. It's altogether better than not ovulating. But I am not at all hopeful that I might actually get pregnant this time. I just feel destined for mega doses of clomid.

To totally change the subject, does anyone else HATE those new Kleenex commercials that encourage people to cry? I just saw the worst one yet - with a hurricane Katrina survivor talking about how she lost several loved ones in the storm. What is wrong with people?

at this point does it even matter?

So, this is cycle day 31. Thirty-freaking-one! (Which is one less than how many years old I am as of this month.) And, no ovulation yet. There was a false alarm around day 20, but my bbt only stayed up over the coverline for about 3 days and has been resolutely low ever since. But! But I woke up this morning swimming in eggwhite. Seriously, I have never seen anything like it. So, hope has reared her ugly little head that this will not be an anovulatory cycle. Although, at this point, does it really even matter? I know that delayed ovulation is much less likely to result in a pregnancy. Still, there is a tiny little chance, right? Enough to require sex tonight?

Ouch! I just had some kind of serious pain near what I imagine to be the location of my left ovary. Mittelschmerz (I have no personal frame of reference)? Or appendicitis (again, no personal experience)? That will be a fun game to play tonight.

By the way, I decided to induce this ovulation by going ahead and buying the clomid and opks for next cycle. And boy do I hope there was some kind of mix up at the pharmacy, because instead of the 100 mg of clomid discussed at my last appointment, I have in my hands instructions to swallow 200 mg a day for five days.

why do I pretend I can predict what my body will do?

No o yet. Temp is still low. I am really freaking annoyed. And a little depressed.

ovulation update anyone?

So, last month I finally o'd on day 18 and my temp started a slow rise on day 19. Today was day 18 of this cycle. I'm on the same dose of clomid, and really have not done anything differently (other than fail to obsess over this cycle) so I'm hoping to finally get a temp rise tomorrow. I had a twinge of pain today that could have been ovulatory. Also, I had a little spotting (which I did not have last month). So, I am hopeful. Really, really hopeful. Stupidly hopeful. I already warned Al before he went to bed that if I get a temp rise tomorrow morning I plan to wake him up immediately for one more round of sex, just in case. His exact response, "But we already had sex today". Yes, we have a red-hot marriage.

I dreamed last night that we had a baby, a little boy with lots of black hair. But we couldn't come up with a name for him. Then it occurred to me that we could actually go out and buy a book of baby names because the baby was here and it could no longer jinx anything to display that kind of hubris. Is that not a little bit sad?

because infertility goes on

The big news yesterday, until I received the news from my mother that my grandmother was very, very ill, was my appointment with my RE in the morning.

The first bit of good news I received was that I did not gain any weight over the holidays. This was a complete shock, since I certainly did not restrain myself from eating anything I wanted. I put it down to the metformin.

I didn't actually see Dr. RE, as he was detained in surgery. Instead, I saw the nurse practitioner. She was very personable, which Dr. RE is not, particularly. She looked over my charts and agreed that I did, indeed, ovulate last month. However, the ovulation was later than they like to see, so she prescribed a doubled dose of clomid for next month (100mg). She seemed very positive about the likelihood that 100mg would do the trick for me. Doubling the dose will bring back all the anxiety (especially about the chance of multiples) that I felt last month. But if that is what it will take, I am ready.

HOWEVER . . . the rest of the plan for next month I am less sanguine about. I am to use ovulation predictor tests between 11am and 2 pm daily beginning on day 10 and to come in for a post-coital test the day after the opk indicates a surge and a progesterone draw the week after that. My reservations are three-fold:

1. I thought opk's were invalid for people with PCOS, which is my diagnosis.

2. Between 11 AM and 2 PM I am at work!!! I am supposed to pee on sticks at work? Everyday? Why? I read the instructions for the specific brand she recommended and they say one can test any time, as long as it is consistent, and recommend first thing in the morning. Is there some reason for the 11 AM - 2 PM requirement?

3. Post-coital test? I guess I always knew there would come a time when I would have to get naked for Dr. RE, but I was hoping it could be put off a bit longer. Like, forever. Plus, isn't there a good bit of debate as to the utility of the post-coital test? Or is that just when it isn't accurately timed to ovulation? Which, I guess, is the reason for the opk.

Any thoughts? Assvice?

It does seem that she discounted the idea I might get pregnant this cycle, despite all that clomid I swallowed. I however, am holding out a small bit of hope. My temperature is still low, so I know I haven't ovulated yet. Al and I are committed to every-other-day sex no matter what. I think last month I got really discouraged and we may have given up too soon.

jaded already

Last cycle I agonized over each dose of clomid I swallowed. I knew exactly which pill I was taking, how many were left, and whether I was more than 10 minutes off the time I decided I would take the pills each day (no idea whether this makes any difference but I was convinced I had to take them at exactly the same time each day). I was constantly vigilant about side-effects. I became hyper-aware of my body, and recorded each twinge. At this point last cycle (day 7) I had already experienced intense nausea and excruciating headaches.

This time around I'm completely blasé about the whole thing. I was shocked to discover yesterday that I was swallowing the fifth and final pill this go-round. I took each pill in the evening, but as to the exact time, who knows? And side-effects so far? Not a one. From a mental (and even physical) health standpoint, this is an improvement, yes? But I can't help fearing that feeling nothing means nothing is happening, or nothing is going to happen. My head is not in the clomid game this time around. And if I'm not paying attention, then why would my body possibly jump in and do it for me?

And how did I get here so quickly?

clomid cycle # 1 post mortem

Today is cd 2. So, obviously, the first cycle of clomid was not a complete and unmitigated success. But . . . I did ovulate! So that's a victory of some sort, right? Here are the facts:

1. Clomid (50 mg) days 2-6.
2. Haphazard supplementation with flaxseed oil/evening primrose oil days 3-10.
3. Basic multivitamin each day.
   
4. Guaifenesin days 7-18 (this was partly for the cervical mucous benefit and partly because I had some kind of evil illness located in my head and chest for much of this cycle).
5. Amoxicillin days 23-end of cycle and beginning of next (for evil illness . . . I was worried about this but Dr. RE's nurse assured me it would be safe and was certainly necessary).
6. Pre-seed days 10-13.
7. My very own eggwhite quality cervical mucous days 15 & 16 (especially 16).
8. Thermal shift (now that I have evaluated my cycle as a whole and thrown out one aberrant temperature) on day 19.
   
9. Presumably ovulation was on day 18. This is 2 days outside the 5-9 day range I was told to expect.
   
10. Nice luteal phase - 13 days of temperatures staying up, up, up above coverline.
11. Post-ovulatory breast tenderness/pain which peaked on Christmas eve (11 dpo), causing me to temporarily lose complete grip on my sanity and convince myself that I was pregnant, have welcoming chat (not out loud!) with nonexistent embryo, and almost (but I restrained myself) tell my MIL that I thought I really, truly might be pregnant.
12. Consolation prize for ovulating and not getting pregnant: seriously evil period. Painful cramps and heavy, bright red flow showed up yesterday afternoon (the morning began with a temp that dropped to the coverline and spotting that I tried to convince myself wasn't as bright red as it really was).
    

Yesterday I was crushed. I was depressed and angry and not fun to be around.

But today I am suddenly optimistic again. I am very excited that I ovulated. As far as I know, this was just the second time in my life. Ever. Which means that I do respond to clomid and that the dose does not need to be increased (yet). I was so worried about side effects but the worst of it for me was one night of nausea, two days of bloating, and three days of headaches. None of that was fun, but it's certainly not enough to make me not want to try another round. Also, there did not seem to be an adverse effect on my cervical mucus (the only other time I've ever seen real-true-just-like-the-pictures-in-the-book eggwhite was the one other ovulatory cycle I've had). Also, judging from the vast quantities of blood lost in the last 36 hours or so (much, much, much heavier that my usual anovulatory bleeding) I would hazard a guess that there was no problem with my uterine lining (obviously, this is just a guess, though).

I panicked this morning when I realized that my follow-up RE visit was two weeks away and we hadn't discussed what to do next. I called and there was much discussion of my chart with the nurse, who spoke with Dr. RE and then phoned me back to say go ahead with the clomid on days 2-6 again. Yesterday started with spotting, so today is technically cd 1 according to the nurse, which means clomid starts tomorrow. The official post mortem for this cycle will be at my follow-up appt, which will be day 15 of this cycle, and if last time was any predictor, I will be a few days from ovulating yet. I may ask if we could measure progesterone to verify ovulation this time. We talked about it last time, but he recommended a few cycles of just bbt. We'll see how I feel at my next appt.

I am sure that I am the only one interested in this level of detail . . . so I suppose this post was mostly to make a record for myself to look back at next time. Thanks for playing along at home.

So, what I have learned:

1. 50mg of Clomid is enough to make me ovulate.
2. 11 days of high temperatures and really, really sore boobs does not mean I am actually pregnant.
3. The nurses at my RE's office are easy to get in touch with (polar opposite of my gyn), helpful, and nice. (I had to call twice, once about the antibiotic and once about what to do next.)

Happy New Year!!!

happy holidays to you

I am enjoying an entire week off work. I feel a bit guilty about all the things I am not even attempting this year (sending Christmas cards, baking), but I am trying to forget about them and enjoy the things I have left to do. Like wrapping, which I actually love but have not yet done. Al has considerably less time off than I do, so we will be smashing all our holiday travels into three days.

Here are the things (other than wrapping gifts, unwrapping gifts, driving, and eating) that I will do on my break:

1. Continue to obsess over whether or not I may have actually ovulated this cycle after all. Evidence in favor of ovulation: bbt spike which began Saturday (cd 20!), extremely sore breasts. Evidence which might confound evidence in favor of ovulation: have had miserable cold/low-grade fever since Sunday, most of my body is rather sore.

2. Brave the mall for 3 last minute gifts. I finished most of my shopping quite early this year, with much of it done online, and planned to be done long before now, but see item 1 above re. debilitating cold.

3. Watch waaaaay too much daytime television.

4. Hmm... That's about it. Other than wishing all of you the merriest and happiest of holidays, and wishing for all of us our hearts' desires in 2007. Thank you, all of you, for being there, just for existing and sharing this wacky, painful infertility journey with me. For putting your experiences out into the world for me to find and commiserate with, and for those of you, especially, who have come here to commiserate with me. I think of all of you every day. I pray for you. I hope for you. For all of us.

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Just a small housekeeping note: I finally converted to the new blogger and I seem to have lost my blog roll. I'll try to sort that out when (if?) I make it home from the mall.

please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times

This week has been an emotional roller coaster ride. Last Saturday I was completely convinced that the clomid has had absolutely no effect on me and nothing at all was going on in the nether regions. Then, on Sunday, there was suddenly lots and lots of clear, watery cervical mucus. We tossed the preseed we've been using this cycle because there was absolutely no need. Monday I had more eggwhite than I have ever seen before along with bloating and menstrual-like cramps. Not to mention incredibly, painfully sensitive nipples. I actually thought, this is it, I am ovulating! Tuesday, my bbt jumped four tenths of a degree. I was ready to celebrate! But since then, my temp dropped again (the very next day) and stayed down. My nipples are still a little sensitive, but the bloating and cramping went away completely. And my cervical mucus is neither impressive nor dried up, but just kind of constantly wettish. So what the hell is going on? I have no idea. It's like my ovaries were about to cooperate, then changed their minds at the last minute, and are now making "ha ha" Nelson noises at me. Now I'm just ready for this cycle (cd 19) to be over so I can try again.