monumental 100th post

Would you like to come to my party?

My pity party, that is. Stop reading right here if you aren’t in the mood for self-indulgent whining that goes nowhere.

Okay, now that I’m all alone here . . .

Today is cd 52, and 13 dpo. That’s right, I ovulated on day 39. I spent most of days 18 thru 38 discouraged, since I am under the impression that delayed ovulation is unlikely to lead to a pregnancy. But day 38 brought painfully sensitive nipples and copious amounts of eggwhite, so I dusted off my opk and peed on a stick. Smiley face, at last! More painful nipples and eggwhite (as well as a negative opk) on day 39, accompanied, of course, by three rounds of sperm-to-cervix application, and on day 40 my bbt shot up the textbook .4 degrees, only to continue to rise for the next 8 days, accompanied by increasingly achy breasts. You know where this is going, right? Against my better judgment, I became hopeful. So the ovulation was late, so what? It was perfect. It felt exactly the same as last time around when I ovulated on day 16. (Not that that one did me any good either, but who’s being logical here?) Day 10 began a slow downward trend in temperature, and though I am still well above the coverline, and an entire degree over my pre-o temperatures, I am no longer deluding myself. Dropping temperatures are never good, and I am spotting, and I am crampy.

I am not sure I succeeded above either in conveying how deeply unhappy I am (and have been, almost this entire cycle) or in trying to pretend that I’m okay.

This sucks so much.

I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long, for those of you who still drop by to check, and I truly miss reading all of your blogs (which I think I will try to catch up on today) but right now all of this just hurts.

Good things have happened to me in the last 52 days as well. I am trying to appreciate the lengthening hours of daylight, the hot summer sun, the roses on the new rosebush Al gave me for mother’s day. I am trying to be optimistic, to concentrate on doing things each day to make myself a little healthier, a little happier. Sometimes it works. But when I come here, I shrink to the size of my dysfunctional ovaries and my empty uterus.

So, think I may be posting even less than usual, for awhile longer. And reading less, too. Until I can turn some corner where I am more hopeful than not, and where hope doesn’t hurt.

P.S. I am grateful for each and every one of your comments. And for each and every one of you. You are all in my heart.

UPDATE: I wrote this, I read it back, I had a good cry, and I feel much better. I needed to get that out, I guess, and obviously today is not going to be a very cheerful day for me. But please don’t fret on my behalf. I really am going to continue with this “break” for awhile, but I will be fine.