Thursday, April 12, 2007

cd 6

Today is cd 6 of my fifth cycle of c (I am abbreviating because my blog is turning up way too high in too many google searches I do on cl-mid. I think I talk about it too much). Second cycle at this dose. Today is the last day this month that I will take it, and I think I only have one c cycle left after this one.

I am not feeling optimistic. It's hard for me to believe that if everything looked so perfect last time, and still I did not get pregnant, it could happen this time around. I tell myself that is a crazy way to look at it, that most fertile people don't get pregnant the first time they try (although I know someone personally who did), that this could still work for me.

But, eh. I feel defeated. Not really as sad or depressed as I thought I would feel when last cycle failed, but just blah.

I have been cheering myself up with really bad food. On Monday I had a large Dr. Pepper, on Tuesday an entire chocolate Easter bunny (solid, much too big to be eaten at one sitting, and absolutely delicious), yesterday I came home from work and ate almost an entire bag of kettle chips (honey dijon, sooo good) and then felt full and miserable and bloated and had nothing else for dinner. So you see, the healthy eating has taken a turn for the worse, and since I ate pretty well last time around and have nothing to show for it, I can't help feeling that this try has less of a chance.

Al and I have talked about taking some time off from this. On the horizon for me right now are one more cycle of c, then an hsg. If that doesn't turn anything up I think we will take July and August to pretend that we aren't infertile. We have a big family vacation coming up, a wedding, and our own 10th anniversary.

I know the optimism will pick up when I start peeing on opk sticks. It's hard to do that without hoping for the positive. So, who knows? Anything could happen, I guess. I will try harder to believe that.


Anonymous said...

Hey there,

Hang in there. After a failed cycle there is such a dark time... sounds trite but the light does shine again. I think some time off may be a good choice. I did that last fall for a bit and found new passion when we started up again after Christmas. Whatever the case may be, keep your chin up - we are all pulling for you!

Anonymous said...

I totally understand how you feel. If it is any consolation (and I'm sure it's not) I have the same questions, the same doubts, the same blah feeling about all of it. I wrote before that I apparantly ovulated on 100mg of clomid back in Jan. but for what ever reason it didn't work. I ovulated again in Feb... again no luck. After trying to tell the Dr. that clmd. doesn't work for me,I did two more cycles of it without any ovulation. I finally went to see an RE who wont do anything until I and my DH repeat some of the obvious tests... so there goes May. I'm 35 and freaking out. I ask myself all the usual questions, did I wait too long to try? Should I have never even taken birth control? What did I do to have this happen? So... I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me. Perhaps it will bring you a little hope to know that Marsha Cross (red head on Desperate Housewives) had twins through IVF (apparantly using her own eggs) and she is 45 years old. Hang in there. I'm considering reading this new book everyone is talking about called The Secret. Apparantly it has to do with positive thinking which even if it is a bunch of BS, might distract me from constant feelings of blah.

TeamWinks said...

Your response to this cycle is very parallel to Outlandish Notion's, and you and her on on the same page as far as where you are in treatment. I'd head over there, and take a read. It's always nice to have somebody feeling like you do. Her link is on my sidebar.