Today is cd 6 of my fifth cycle of c (I am abbreviating because my blog is turning up way too high in too many google searches I do on cl-mid. I think I talk about it too much). Second cycle at this dose. Today is the last day this month that I will take it, and I think I only have one c cycle left after this one.
I am not feeling optimistic. It's hard for me to believe that if everything looked so perfect last time, and still I did not get pregnant, it could happen this time around. I tell myself that is a crazy way to look at it, that most fertile people don't get pregnant the first time they try (although I know someone personally who did), that this could still work for me.
But, eh. I feel defeated. Not really as sad or depressed as I thought I would feel when last cycle failed, but just blah.
I have been cheering myself up with really bad food. On Monday I had a large Dr. Pepper, on Tuesday an entire chocolate Easter bunny (solid, much too big to be eaten at one sitting, and absolutely delicious), yesterday I came home from work and ate almost an entire bag of kettle chips (honey dijon, sooo good) and then felt full and miserable and bloated and had nothing else for dinner. So you see, the healthy eating has taken a turn for the worse, and since I ate pretty well last time around and have nothing to show for it, I can't help feeling that this try has less of a chance.
Al and I have talked about taking some time off from this. On the horizon for me right now are one more cycle of c, then an hsg. If that doesn't turn anything up I think we will take July and August to pretend that we aren't infertile. We have a big family vacation coming up, a wedding, and our own 10th anniversary.
I know the optimism will pick up when I start peeing on opk sticks. It's hard to do that without hoping for the positive. So, who knows? Anything could happen, I guess. I will try harder to believe that.