onwards

Yesterday and today I have been cramping and spotting. I am fairly certain tomorrow will be day one. Actually, I felt the same way yesterday, so I may not be the best prognosticator. Today was day 41. I have no idea if I ovulated this cycle, because I didn't temp. I think I might have, because I had a few days of appropriately eggwhite-ish cm about 2 weeks ago. Then again, maybe not, because my breasts never hurt.

Although my lap was this cycle, and so technically we weren't trying, we did have lots of sex. So I would be lying if I said I wasn't holding out a little hope. Was. I am not currently hoping for this cycle. I am currently trying to psych myself up for another round of injections and dild0cams and my first iui.

I think I am more frightened this time than last. Last time I was nervous about everything that was new. I was focused on the details, the timing, the dialing of each tiny click on the pen, the careful swabbing with alcohol pads. This time is more terrifying because all I am focused on is the goal. The will-it-work-or-won't-it? The what-happens-next-if-it-doesn't?

I would do anything, anything, anything at all to make this work. To be pregnant on my rapidly approaching birthday (so rapidly approaching that it would be possible to be pregnant but not to know that I was). To have an infant in my arms when the holiday season rolls around again.

But there is nothing I can do. Or, rather, nothing more than I will be doing. Which doesn't seem like nearly enough.