mindfuck

My baseline scan was on Friday. I was calm, I was ready to do this all over again. After I visited the lab for the bloodwork I changed and settled on the ultrasound table. The nurse (my favorite, I really need a name for her) came in and we chatted briefly about the protocol (same as last time, basically, except that we are adding an iui this time around). Then, in went the probe, and my uterus swam into view.

She started asking me questions about my period. How heavy had it been? Was it normal? It's been awful, I told her, with terrible cramps, although on second thought my flow has not been terribly heavy, although it has been bright red the whole time.

It's just, she said, that my endometrium is still very thick. And see that circle there? That looks like a gestational sac. You could be pregnant, she said.

My legs began to shake. I knew I wasn't pregnant. I have never felt less pregnant in my life. I told her so. She called the lab and asked for a qualitative beta hcg. It could just be some old blood, she said. Then she moved on to my ovaries. I had no evidence of a corpus luteum in either one. There were 7 little follicles on one side. I can't remember anything about the other side. When we were done she asked me to wait on the result of the pregnancy test.

I waited. And wondered why a urine test takes only a minute but a blood test takes 20. And thought about how I knew I wasn't pregnant, and should not, under any circumstances, let any hope slip in. And thought about how even if I was pregnant, things were not going well, with all the pain and bleeding. And thought about the 3 glasses of champagne I had on New Year's eve. And thought about the heating pads I had used for 48 hours straight to help alleviate my cramping. And thought about how there hadn't been any corpus luteum. And hoped, anyway, for a miracle.

Of course, when she returned with the result it was negative. I left with my prescriptions, and an appointment for another scan on Wednesday to see how the follicles are developing.

I wanted to cry, but I was on my way back to work. I tried to call Jack, but he was in a meeting. I wanted to go home and get back in bed, but I had used one sick day already this week, and had an iui coming up. I tried to shake it off.

But I haven't yet, not completely. For a minute there, I might have been pregnant. I saw the thick lining, I saw the perfect little circle. I can still picture the ultrasound screen, so clearly. But it wasn't real.

Two injections down. Three more to go before my next scan.