lap stories, please

I realize it's been a long time since I posted, but honestly not much has happened. At my last RE visit I was informed that absolutely nothing went wrong during my injectables cycle, despite the painfully short luteal phase, and despite, of course, not being pregnant. When (if) we do another ovulation-induction, there is nothing he would do differently.

It seems that Dr. RE is now officially out of reasons why I am not pregnant after a year in his care. So, I am having a laparoscopy to poke around and look for reasons. On Friday.

I am incredibly nervous/terrified about the whole thing. I am completely focused on the miniscule chance that I might actually die, the prospect of which puts infertility in a whole new light. I'm starting to realize how much I actually enjoy so very much of my life and how I really don't want it to end.

I don't really think I will die. If I thought that, I certainly would not be going on Friday. But I am rather freaked out about the whole thing. Hospitals frighten me. The prospect of general anesthesia is the worst, though. For a control freak like me, the thought of being completely unconcious, not to mention naked, and being at the mercy of people with needles and knives and maybe even lasers.... Well, let's just say I'm not happy about it.

I am going ahead with it, though. Because we are out of ideas. Because it is the next-step and I don't want to stand still. Because if there is a chance this is what I need to do to bring our baby home one day, this is what I will do.

Still, I keep having these morbid little moments when I have to blink back tears thinking about how sweet life is and how much I love my gorgeous husband, and how I don't want to die.

So, if anyone is still reading this rather poor excuse for a blog (has it really been that long since I have written?!), and if any of you have any lap stories, do share them won't you? If you have blogged about your own lap, just write me a note saying when that was. I know so many of you have been through this already, and I even read along at the time, but I am having trouble finding the details in your archives. So help me out, please. I really need to get a grip.