Saturday, July 07, 2007

all signs point to no

Thank you for your kind support, but I do not think I will get to be one of those annoying people with spontaneous pregnancies after all. Or, as I told my husband earlier today, I'm 95% sure I'm not pregnant and 5% annoyed. Annoyed that I am not 100% sure, I suppose.

So, at 13 dpo, here is the case for definitely not pregnant vs very slightly possibly pregnant:

definitely not pregnant
1. post-ovulatory bbt is sliding downward in what is clearly the right hand side of a bell curve
2. breast tenderness has subsided away to practical nothingness
3. spotting, began as brown but now shading toward red
4. cramps this morning
5. negative ovulation predictor stick this morning (used in lieu of pregnancy test, which I didn't have)
6. I really don't think I am pregnant, I am holding out no real hope

very slightly possibly pregnant
1. bbt is still above coverline, it could surge upward again tomorrow
2. breasts still very slightly tender to the touch
3. could be implantation spotting
4. no cramps since this morning
5. well, it wasn't a pregnancy test
6. inexplicable headaches and slight nausea for past 2 days

I am really fine with this. It would have been nice (who am I kidding? it would have been wonderful, gorgeous, unimaginably good), but I was never completely invested in the idea that this cycle would work. After all, I didn't even take any drugs!

I'm also just better off, emotionally, than the last time I was facing the end of a cycle. The vacation did wonders and I'm hoping that feeling lasts for a long while. The emotional vacation from "trying" was just as important as the actual days spent lounging on the beach. Before I ovulated I didn't think at all about whether I might, and I only allowed myself a little moment each day since to wonder, "Is this it? Finally?" before I repeated my new mantra to myself, "Only time will tell" and then put it out of mind very deliberately. I'd like to try to apply that whatever attitude to future cycles. I don't know how realistic that is, but I'll give it a try.

I'm also trying to give myself other things to look forward to. I feel like my life has been on hold, completely focused on trying to get pregnant. So, long term we've purchased a series of concert tickets that will take us from October thru February with pleasant diversions, and short term we bought 3 bottles of wine that I look forward to opening as soon as I am 100% sure this cycle is a bust. July is further taken care of by distractions in the form of Harry Potter. August sees our 10th anniversary. We don't have any plans, can't really afford another trip, but we will come up with some way, I hope, to truly celebrate our 10 years together without dwelling on how many children we should have by now.

I am nervous about the hsg, but I think that's another post.


Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I happened to find your blog a few months ago when I was researching infertility and I have been somewhat addicted ever since. It is somehow comforting to have found this network of women who are going through similar things. My story is quite different from yours - aren't they all, but in the end we are all looking for the same thing.

I was so happy to find that you were back and delighted to think that maybe you could be one of 'those' women who it finally just happens for. I am still hopeful... for all of us.

swissmiss said...

Hm sorry to hear the signs are trending to no. I know what it means to invest too much specific hope in something, so I won't say anything about that last 5%.

Your set of things to look forward to in the future - especially the concert tix - sounds like a great idea. Real life diversions are a good thing.

Tara said...

I just ran across your website and wanted to let you know that I just had an HSG last Friday. I was very scared but took 800mg of Advil beforehand and asked my RE for an anti-anxiety pill. It ended up to be a little painful but only for a very short time. It was alot better than I thought it would be. Good luck with yours- when will it be?