Wednesday, January 03, 2007

jaded already

Last cycle I agonized over each dose of clomid I swallowed. I knew exactly which pill I was taking, how many were left, and whether I was more than 10 minutes off the time I decided I would take the pills each day (no idea whether this makes any difference but I was convinced I had to take them at exactly the same time each day). I was constantly vigilant about side-effects. I became hyper-aware of my body, and recorded each twinge. At this point last cycle (day 7) I had already experienced intense nausea and excruciating headaches.

This time around I'm completely blasé about the whole thing. I was shocked to discover yesterday that I was swallowing the fifth and final pill this go-round. I took each pill in the evening, but as to the exact time, who knows? And side-effects so far? Not a one. From a mental (and even physical) health standpoint, this is an improvement, yes? But I can't help fearing that feeling nothing means nothing is happening, or nothing is going to happen. My head is not in the clomid game this time around. And if I'm not paying attention, then why would my body possibly jump in and do it for me?

And how did I get here so quickly?


swissmiss said...

I think some of that drop-off is natural. My head was totally not in the game for my FET (though considering the outcome I guess that's not a reassuring thing to share with you) the way it was for the initial IVF. It was all so much less FRAUGHT with anxiety the second time around, and I do think that is a good thing. I go back and forth on the question of how important attitude, mood, etc is to success but I do think that being stressed out has physical consequences. Laid back is good I think. At least, I can't believe that it's bad. At worst it's neutral.

Good luck!

shazz said...

Good for you, thats the exact way I am feeling right now for our next IVF cycle. I am drinking, eating crap and loving it.
Wishing you good luck for this cycle.