Wow . . . I can't believe it's been over a month since I have posted. And almost a year since I began this blog. This blog was primarily designed to be a kick in my ass toward seeking treatment for my infertility. Still haven't done that. According to my plan, I was supposed to have spent the last 11 months doing who knows what to try to get knocked up, and by August I am supposed to either be pregnant, already have a baby (ha!), or decide to move on to adoption. Not quite there, I don't think.
I have chosen an RE, but I haven't called to make an appointment. What makes this such a terrifying decision (to me) is that we have such limited financial resources. We have $2,000.00 saved up and about $400 left in our FHSA for the year (zero insurance coverage for infertility, of course). After that, we will be accumulating debt. So, if we make the wrong decision about which RE to go with, it's not like we can just say, "oh well, live and learn," pick the next one on the list and try again. (I have a big, whiny post in my head about money. I need to get it out because then maybe I can move on without constantly wanting to say, "I'm broke, I'm skint!" because deep down I find talking about money so boring!
Since I last posted, a friend and a coworker have announced their pregnancies, and my sister has announced that she is off the pill. The same sister who had a pregnancy scare not too long ago and was thrilled to have dodged it. Apparently she has decided to "just see what happens." I told her that when she gets pregnant it would be very hard for me, mentioning how I have felt as all the friends, coworkers, relatives have become pregnant and had babies in the past few years (not in a "please don't do this to me" kind of way, just in a "be warned, this is going to be the first thing in our lives that I am not going to want to share with you" kind of way (I hope). She said, and I quote, "But you love me so much you will get over it." I couldn't talk to her for 3 days. Normally we talk 2 or 3 times a day. We are speaking again, but not about this.
I have also come to the unwelcome realization that I am getting fat. When I was younger, feeling depressed made me lose my appetite. My freshman year in college I scarcely ate at all and was much too thin. Now, the opposite. Being depressed makes me want to eat to try to feel better. I must stop. It was actually my sister's phone call that triggered this realization. After that conversation I couldn't eat. Food made me feel nauseated. It only lasted a few days (until we spoke again, actually) but it made me think about food and emotions. I have been making a conscious effort to eat healthy meals and cut out the junk I have been eating in between meals (and late at night) just because I am sad. So far I have lost 2 lbs. Not too drastic, I don't think.
Well, this post is all over the place. I should stop before I make it even worse.